I know this isn’t Myspace, but I’m going to write an about me anyways, just to give anyone reading this a better impression of who I am and how I got to this point.

I’m 16 years old, I want to remain anonymous because I don’t feel that I’d be able to continue with this blog if my identity became known or someone I knew personally realized the person behind it. I’m at college studying my as-levels and I want to do a degree in medicine.

I had a troubled childhood, my mother spent most of her time in alcoholic stupors, emerging for a few weeks in years in her bid to become ‘sober’ or a ‘good mother’ before shortly relapsing into her drunken abusive self again. I loved her a lot, but her actions meant that I was left to raise my little brother whilst my father played breadwinner or the house. I had an excellent relationship with my father, he was my world, but I was affected and influenced more by my mothers actions due to the amount my dad worked and therefore spent out of the house. 

My mother was anorexic and bulimic in her teenage years and although she was physically a normal weight a part of her illness always stuck in her mind. She obsessively weighed me and measured me when I was a child, and I got punished usually verbally for gaining weight or needing bigger shoes etc… It was to be expected as a child, gaining height and therefore weight wasn’t unusual and in fact pictures shows me as quite a slim child until I was about 10. When I was 8 I developed an OCD disorder trichotillomania predominantly due to the physical and mental abuse I received from my mother, pulling my hair (usually my eyebrows and eyelashes) calmed me down and relieved my stress, I still have traces of it e.g. when I’m stressing over exams I fiddle with my eyelashes and eyebrows or when I’m angry etc… I finally put my foot down just after I turned 11, and went to the police about the abuse I was suffering, after seeing physical signs and emotional signs of this they gave my dad full custody of my younger brother and I and my father filed for a divorce and we moved to another town nearby. 

Two months after the divorce my mum (who now had a much better relationship with me and who had been spending time with me on weekends) went to the Dominican Republic and died, I still don’t know how or why, but from what I’ve heard it appears to have been something along the lines of a heart attack followed by a brain hemoragge after arguing with staff at the airport on her way home. I was overweight at this point but her death sent me into a deep depression and my weight gain increased again. Last year when I was 15 I lost about 10kg’s, going from 80kgs/176lbs to 70/154lbs, I don’t know how, I ate normally but it was the best thing that ever happened to me and since then I’ve maintained my weight in fact losing 1 or 2 kilo’s but seeing such a big change has made me realize how far I have left to go and it’s gotten to the point where I hate my body, so here I am, trying to get down to a weight healthy or not healthy that makes me happy.